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Touchdown Jesus

There is a statue — or monstrosity — of Jesus in front of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio.  It was erected in 2004 at a cost of $250,000.  It depicts some Northern European guy who, I guess, is supposed to be Jesus rising out of a pool of water with, of course, his cross.  He has both arms raised, apparently, signaling a touchdown.  The irreverent locals do call it “Touchdown Jesus”.

In June 2010 there was a severe lightning storm and a bolt hit poor Jesus.  He caught on fire and was destroyed.  This, in spite of the fact that there were lightning rods everywhere.  Since then, he was rebuilt.  Better to spend the money on something important — like some Northern European disguised as a Jew — as opposed to, say, feeding the poor.  What good did they ever do for Solid Rock Church?

 I have researched this thoroughly, and believe that I understand completely what happened.  Every morning Jesus wakes up, looks at that monstrosity and says, “Oy!”  He was Jewish, after all.  That was the first word he learned. “Jesus Chri…. oops, sorry dad.  Gosh darn that thing is ugly”.

“It is really tough being the father and the son”, he told me. “It could lead to schizophrenia.  My friends, Thor, Zeus, Athena, and the rest think that I am talking to myself half the time.  Maybe I should put one of those Blue Tooth contraptions in my ear so my friends will think that I am giving orders on my cell phone.   The trouble is, I can’t get used to giving orders that way.  I still prefer the old fashioned lightning bolt.  Particularly after the Disney and Pixar make over, it sure is effective.”

“So here I send a lightning bolt to show those people that I am tired of that statue — an act of God, as they would call it,  and, what do they do, they rebuild the Goddamn… sorry dad, thing.  It doesn’t look like me.  For God sakes, I am a Jew!  I was born in the Middle East.  What are those hillbillies doing with me, anyway.  There is even a book,  I think they call it The Buble, or something like that, in which it says that I am here for the Jews.  Can’t these rubes read!”

“So here they have portrayed my friend Thor and misnamed it, ‘Jesus’.  I feel sorry for Thor, he has been out of work for over a thousand years.  He is a broken man.  He is in the unemployment line every day and the workers are forced to say, ‘Sorry, God, nothing today’.  They call all of the discarded Gods, ‘God’ anyway.  It is awfully nice of them to show the proper respect.”

“I think that all of this confusion was because of that damn Jew, Saul, oops, he calls himself ‘Paul’ now, that uppity Jew.  He was an epileptic and he thinks that he saw me during one of his seizures on the way to Damascus.  That man is batshit nuts!”

“At the time he thinks he saw me, I was in Topeka, Kansas getting mom settled in a condominium.  I may have made a mistake by taking her there.  Topeka seemed like a nice place but immediately she started getting picketed by the Phelps family.  They claim that she is a prostitute because she slept with someone other than her husband and then she raised some gay guy who always hung around with 12 other unmarried guys — who were probably gay.”

“Poor mom, things really hadn’t been too good for her since I was born.  Her husband Joseph couldn’t “perform” in bed any longer.  He always claimed that God was a really tough act to follow.  Mom didn’t help things when she kept referring to God as ‘the man of steel’, and then swooning.  Joseph knew what she was referring to”.

“Well, me sending myself disguised as my son didn’t work as well as I would have liked.  It may have been too complicated for those simpletons.  I know what I’ll do, I’ll send my puppy, Ginger.  She is a Sheltie and they are natural leaders.  Hmmm, the father, the son, and the holy Sheltie.  Ginger Christ, That has a nice ring to it.  Or would that be a nice bark?”

“ ‘… and a little Sheltie shall lead them.’  Sounds like a plan!”


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