Now that the Republicans are having their convention in Florida, it is probably a good time for some of us to try to understand them. They are, after all, our brothers and sisters — our dimwitted brothers and sisters. As a starting point I would like to present you with the benefits of my research. Here is the problem: they claim to be God fearin’, bible lovin’, family values people. You know, like Newt Gingrich. He loves family so much that he became a serial marry-ier . He was cheating on one of his wives while dealing with Bill Clinton’s impeachment over cheating on his wife. But Newt was a Republican, so it was all good.
Well, the Republican problems came about when they somehow got a bad batch of bibles, and took the stories seriously. After being read in their Churches, Sunday Schools, Strip Joints, Brothels, and any other place where typical Republican gather, the ideas in this bad batch migrated to their brains. This, as you know is very dangerous because Republicans don’t have much of a brain to work with as it is. Well, these ideas took off like a virus. First they shrunk the Republican micro-brain, and then planted vulgar ideas. Allow me to give you an example of one of the stories that so affected our dear (but slow) Republican brothers and sisters:
1. When Jesus returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at his home.
2. So many gathered around that there was no longer room for them, not even in front of the door; and he was speaking the word to them.
3. Then some people came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them.
4. And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay.
5. When Jesus saw this he grew angry, “Why did you wreck my roof? Do you have any idea how much that cost to install? Do you know how many tables and chairs I had to make in my carpentry shop to pay for that roof? The reeds alone cost five talents. I had them carted in from Bethany.”
6. The disciples had never seen Jesus so angry about his possessions. He continued, “This house is my life. And the roof is the best part.” The disciples fell silent.
7. “It’s bad enough that you trash my private property, now you want me to heal you?” said Jesus, “And did you not see the stone walls around this house?” “Yes,” said the man’s friends. “Are these not the stone walls common to the towns and villages of Galilee?”
8. “No,” Jesus answered. “This is a gated community. How did you get in?” The man’s friends grew silent.
9. Then Jesus turned and said to the paralytic, “Besides, can’t you take care of your own health problems? I’m sure that your family can care for you, or maybe the synagogue can help out.”
10. “No, Lord,” answered the man’s friends. “There is no one. His injuries are too severe. To whom else can we go?”
11. “Well, not me,” said Jesus. “What would happen if I provided access to free health care for everyone? That would mean that people would not only get lazy and entitled, but they would take advantage of the system.
12. Besides, look at me: I’m healthy. And you know why? Because I worked hard for my money, and took care of myself.” The paralyzed man then grew sad and he addressed Jesus. “But I did work, Lord,” said the paralytic. “Until an accident rendered me paralyzed.” “Yes,” said the man’s friends. “He worked very hard.”
13. “Well,” said Jesus, “That’s just part of life, isn’t it?” “Then what am I to do, Lord?” said the paralytic. “I don’t know. Why don’t you sell your mat?”
14. All in the crowd then grew sad. “Actually, you know what you can do?” said Jesus. “You can reimburse me for my roof. Or I’ll sue you.” And all were amazed.
15. “We have never seen anything like this,” said the crowd.
So, all of this shows how Republicans have developed over the years. According to the Republican sense of values, kicking your fellow man when he is down and out will bring you closer to the Republican God.
(Credit: I got this “new version” of “Jesus and the Paralytic” from America-The National Catholic weekly Written by James Martin S.J.)